TROOPERCLERKS

Caution: Some Naughty Language

INTRODUCTION:
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
(CRAWL)
A VAST AND PROUD IMPERIAL NAVY SPANS THE REACHES OF INTERSTELLAR
SPACE. ENFORCING ITS MIGHT ARE SQUADRONS OF CRACK FIGHTER PILOTS,
ARMADAS OF GREAT BATTLESHIPS, AND ECHELON UPON ECHELON OF ELITE
FIGHTING TROOPS, THE STORMTROOPERS. THESE FEARLESS WHITE-ARMORED
WARRIORS GO WHERE NO ONE ELSE DARES TO GO, FIGHT WHAT NO ONE ELSE
DARES TO FIGHT. BUT EVEN THE MIGHTIEST ARMY NEEDS AN INFRASTRUCTURE.
NOT EVERY TROOPER CAN FIGHT ON THE FRONT LINES. SOME MUST PROVIDE VITAL
REAR-ECHELON SUPPORT. SOME MUST BE:

CRAWL is suddenly replaced by SPLASH of "TROOPER CLERKS" logo, accompanied
not by the blast of John Williams Star Wars fanfare, but by a blast of, like, MonsterMagnet, man...

END INTRO

NO PLACE LIKE HOME

TROOPER #6969: Hey, 0007, too bad you can't make it to the smashieball game today. Stuck down in that... shop...

TROOPER #0007: (Glum) Yeah. Since I got stuck in that hole I haven't made it to a game in, how long?

TROOPER #3800: 3 months.

0007: 3 looong months. Dammit.

6969: Yeah, well, eventually you'll get out of that dump and we'll all have to knock all the moss and shit off of you.

0007: What are the dimensions of a standard smashieball court?

6969: (with a tone of longsuffering at 0007's stupidity) 30 meters by 10 meters. What, you forgot already?

0007: Well, there's a mostly deserted corridor behind the shop that's about 30 meters long and pretty wide. It's not 10 meters wide,
of course, but... Hey, is there any rule that says we have to play smashieball on a regulation court?

6969: (intrigued) Go on.

0007: Well, I'm just thinkin'. If all you guys came down by the shop, we could play in that corridor... the shop would be right there
so I could keep an eye on it...

6969: Hey there's sodas in that shop!

0007: Now you're cooking.

6969: (to the group) You all know how dry we get after a good smashieball game! We could all go into the shop after the game
and tank up! (to 0007) Now you're cookin'!

0007: So you'll all come down at the usual game time?

6969: 1600 hours. BX. Back corridor. You got it, boy!

END SCENE

RAWHIDE

END SCENE

HIGH TECHNOLOGY

6666: Hey! No sleepin' on the job!

0007: Like you should talk. Late as usual, leaving ME to open the store!

6666: Well, if your barracks were all the way across the base like mine are, you'd get here at the same time and we'd open
the store together!

0007: Just my luck, I get stationed to this mynock-hole and get stuck in the barracks closest to it.

6666: (points) Hey, what's that on the counter?

0007: A cash register, you mope.

6666: Well, that's not the same cash register that was here yesterday.

0007: It's the new one. Facilities installed it last night, after the store closed. It's a MaxiTech, from Kratospylae Technologies,
top of the line.

6666: Let's check it out. I'll pretend to buy something.

0007: What is this? "You have entered an erroneous entry." What bullshit is that?

6666: Did you enter the ID and price?

0007: (irritated) YES I entered the ID and price, just like we always do-- what the fuck now??

0007: "Shut Down"?? Oh, great! Now I have to start this damn thing all over again!!

0007: Get that.

6666: Mas Basura Base Exchange.
(pause)
No, ma'am, we don't have any PokeyDoke yet.
(pause)
No ma'am, I don't know when we'll get it in. Sorry.
(closes the connection)

I swear, if I ever actually see one of these PokeyDoke things, I'm gonna use it for target practice.

0007: So how much you think old Kratospylae gets for these hunks of junk? "Latest modern technology" my armored ass...

6666: (pointing) What's that little doobie?

0007: 'SKU entry'-- oh, Gods, you mean we have to enter SKUs to make this damn thing happy? What a pain in the ass!

Fuck PokeyDoke. If I ever actually see Kratospylae, I'm gonna use HIM for target practice!

END SCENE

LASSIE GO HOME

0007: Hang on, furball, I'm trying to get this thing to work. I'll ring you up in a minute.

0007: Keep your hair on, OK? I'm working on it!!

0007: Listen, you, if you're going to be that way--

0007: Get offa me, hairball!!

0007: Hey, man, quit it! What're you doing??

END SCENE

MILITARY INTELLIGENCE

SENIOR OFFICER: ... But according to General Melvar, that's not how one subdues a populace at all...

SENIOR OFFICER: *What's that smell?

JUNIOR OFFICER: It smells like cat repellent, Sir.

SENIOR OFFICER: #5567, be so kind as to ring us up, here.

JUNIOR OFFICER: Wow, Sir, how did you know what his number was? They're not marked...

SENIOR OFFICER: Son, I didn't. It is a well-known fact that no one can tell stormtroopers apart. However, since
"Trooper #5567" is a standard stormtrooper character in Imperial training holos, anyone will know what you mean when you call a stormtrooper #5567.

JUNIOR OFFICER: Yes, Sir.

0007 and 6666: LOOOOOOOOOSERRRRRR.....

0007: Barely out of the Academy, and they're already corrupting him.

6666: Gotta get 'em while they're young, you know.

END SCENE

TAKE A DEEP BREATH

VADER: I will purchase these, and a case of BorlMaros.

6666: Oh... you smoke sir?

VADER: (Leans forward and glowers at him) No. Torture accessories.

VADER: This Base Exchange is undersized, and obviously not well-maintained. I can see the dust on top
of the shelves from here. I sincerely hope you'll never be stationed to a vital post, for your attention to detail is obviously so lacking that a squadron of Banthas being ridden down the corridor of an Imperial Star Destroyer would undoubtedly escape your notice!

VADER: I am going to have a word with your commander. Obviously, you do not take your duties
with the seriousness they require!

0007: Here you are, sir.

6666: What were you doing, man? That was all of the breath mints we got left!

0007: No, it isn't. There's one more box of them in the back.

END SCENE

WHO IS ALWAYS RIGHT?

* DOPEY OFFICER: Mmm, air freshener!

GUNNER #1: Hey, do you have any PokeyDoke?

6666: No, we don't have any PokeyDoke. I've never even seen a PokeyDoke.

GUNNER #2: Bummer, man. So when you going to get them in?

6666: (with infinite patience) I don't know when we're going to get them in. Or if we're going to get them in.
Admiralty doesn't tell us what they're sending us. They just send it to us.

GUNNER #1: Oh. Bummer man.
Well let us know when they come in, OK?

GNK DROID: Gonk.

6666: That'll be 2.75 credits.

END SCENE

PHILOSOPHY

6666: You know, This job'd be great if it wasn't for the customers.

0007: I don't bother them, and they don't bother me.

6666: I could do without the people in the video store.

DOPEY OFFICER: Do you have that movie with that guy from that movie that came out last year?

6666: (After a moment's thought) ...You mean the one where he shot that other guy and blew that stuff up?

DOPEY OFFICER: Yes! That's the one!

6666: I'll see if we have it. (goes into the back)

0007: You should hear the barrage of stupid questions I get.

SPEEDER BIKE TROOPER: What do you mean, you don't have any ice?? You mean I have to drink this coffee hot?!

6666: You'd feel a hell of a lot better if you'd rip into the occasional customer.

The HOLOCOMM sounds.

6666: Speaking of stupid questions. I bet you a day's pay that's another PokeyDope looking for PokeyDoke. (answers it)

Mas Basura Base Exchange, no, we do not have any PokeyDoke! (closes the connection)

0007: You know, you really ought to give them a chance to ask the question.

6666: Why? This way, saves energy on all our parts.

END SCENE

LIVE LIFE WITH RELISH

6666: Damn! I'm going in the back to open up a new case of coffee filters.

RODIAN #1: (In a thick Rodian accent) You! You give me all your money from your cash register. You give me all
your breath mints. And you give me one of your Super Foot Longs-- with everything on it!
(pauses for a moment, sniffs and wrinkles up its snout)
*What that smell?

0007: "Air freshener."

RODIAN: Well it stinky! Where my stuff yet?!

0007: Just take it easy. I'll get it for you.

RODIAN #1: In a bag!!

RODIAN #1: And the mints!

RODIAN #1: And the Super Foot Long with everything on it!!

0007: I'm going to have to make that for you.

RODIAN #1: Hurry it up! And no funny stuff!

0007: Oh, here's the fresh batch. These ones in the display are old. I'll give you this fresh one.

RODIAN #1: That's good! Now hurry it up!! Up! Up!

0007: Is that enough?

RODIAN #1: Horseradish!

0007: Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.

0007: Here you go.

6666: What are you doing to my blaster, man??? I can't leave you alone for 3 seconds... uucchhhhh!

0007: (indicating the RODIAN on the floor) Umm, we need to do a cleanup here...

6666: (has eyes only for his condiment-covered blaster) No, shit, man! Uuccchhh!

END SCENE

AT A POSITION OF A TENNIS SHOE

SUPERCILIOUS OFFICER: #5567, is the Commandant in?

6969: (crisply) Yes Sir. The Commandant is waiting for you now.

SUPERCILIOUS OFFICER: Excellent.

6969: Sir, your fly is unbuttoned sir.

END SCENE

R & R

6666: What are you doing? Closing's not for hours yet.

0007: We're going to have a little convenience shop recess. The boys are coming down and we're going
to have a game of smashieball in the corridor out back.

6666: Cool! Can I play too?

0007: What, you're so sociable all of a sudden? You hate people, man!

6666: But I love gatherings. Isn't that ironic?

6969: Took you long enough to answer the door, man.

0007: Yeah, I had to walk all the way from the front of the store. A whopping 15 seconds.

6969: Who's this, your partner?

0007: 6666. He's going to be joining us.

6969: Well, he better be good, man, or we'll use him for the smashieball.
(General laughter)

0007: What's that for?

6969: (laughs) This is the ball, man.

0007: A droid for a ball? Kinda twisted...

6969: Well hey, it's a little court. I thought we'd have a 'ball' with attitude-- give ourselves a bit more
of a challenge, you know?

GUNNER: Hey, you guys open?

0007 and 6666: NO!!

6969: OK, our "guests" are disposed as follows. 0007 is on Blood Red Team, and 6666 is going to be on
Black and Blue Team. This goal (points) is Blood Red's, and that's Black and Blue's. Standard smashieball rules;
and don't scuff each other's armor up too bad because we have inspection tonight. Set up!

3800: Shit! Who brought another ball?

0007: I don't believe this! Nobody else brought a ball? Did Riding High here
(nudges the half-conscious 6969 with his toe) think to bring a 'regular' ball?

0007: Shit! 6 minutes into the game and we're closed out because we lost the ball!! This hardly even
counts as a warmup!

END SCENE

I AM THE EYE IN THE SKY

TROOPER CAPTAIN: At ease. We have some matters to discuss.

TROOPER CAPTAIN: I just got called on the carpet by the Base Commandant over you two. Apparently when he
called this BX this morning, one of you two Homers answered the comm with some inane shit about "OkeyDoke"
or "PokeyDoke" or some damned thing and cut the connection on him before he could get a word in edgewise.

TROOPER CAPTAIN: (puts his feet up on the counter) Furthermore, I've been getting reports from various sources that
your duty performance in this BX is not entirely up to spec. Irregular practices, unsanitary conditions... You're clerks.
You can't just do whatever you want while you're working.

0007: Yes, sir, we understand sir. But some of our customers aren't very cooperative with the
sanitation standards, sir.

TROOPER CAPTAIN: I understand the two of you have to cover both the convenience store and the video store.
Maybe the workload really is too much. Or maybe you're just a pair of unprofessional slackers. Either way, I've got the situation covered.
(turns toward the door and raises his voice)
OU-812!

OU-812:(brightly) Unit OU-812 reporting for duty sir!

TROOPER CAPTAIN: (to the TROOPERS) This is OU-812. It will monitor your job performance, and everything that
goes on in this Base Exchange. If there are any irregularities, it will report to me. If there are not, OU-812 will be an extra set of arms and legs to help you keep this Base Exchange in the condition it should be kept.

6666 and 0007: Yes Sir.

TROOPER CAPTAIN: (gets up) That is all. Carry on. (he leaves)

OU-812:(brightly) Unit OU-812 reporting for duty sir!

END SCENE


NEXT DAY:

ROMANTIC DISENTANGLEMENTS

0007: Hey, what's up with you today? You don't look so good.

6666: It's my girlfriend, man....

0007: Say no more. I understand completely.
... So what exactly is it about your girlfriend?

6666: It's just not working out, man. Her interests and mine... they're just too different.

0007: Like for instance?

6666: Well, like, she's got these pet mice. Well, not 'pet' mice exactly.

0007: Hey, women like little warm furry animals...it's one of those laws of nature things... so what?

6666: Well, she likes to... (shudders a little) ...play with them.

0007: What's wrong with that?

6666: (Voiceover) Well, there's this... snake...

0007: Huh. Is it a mean snake?

6666: Yeah. Almost as mean as her.

0007: (winces) Ooh. Mean snake.
So why don't you break up with her?

6666: Um. I already did.

0007: Well hey! There you go!

6666: It's not that easy. She was pretty bummed out. And when she gets into a bad mood, she... blows things up.

0007: (Looking speculatively at the MaxiTech cash register/useless heap) Hmmm. Blows things up...

6666: I'm really worried, man. You think my Trooper Group Life Insurance will cover it if.... something... happens?

0007: (Makes an expansive gesture of dismissal) Pf! Girlfriends, ex-girlfriends... they understand all about that stuff!
(Claps 6666 on the shoulder) Don't sweat it, man! You're covered!

6666: Thanks man. You're a big help.

0007: Base Exchange, we have no PokeyDoke, may I help you?

HOLOCOM VOICE: This is Regg at the spaceport. Your store stock from Admiralty Supply is in.

0007: All right, we'll be over to pick it up. Hey, OU-812! (sotto voce) Gods, I hate that name.

OU-812: (pops out of the back room) Yes sir?

0007: Mind the counter for a while. We've got to go pick up the grocery shipment.

OU-812: Sir yes sir! Three bags full, sir!

END SCENE

SPECIAL DELIVERY

6666: Hey hey! Look what we got! (holds it up to 0007)

0007: Ewww! It's all purple. (Does a double-take and looks at the box again) THAT'S PokeyDoke??

6666: Yup. Now we can take care of all those moro-- customers who have been bugging us for the things for
the last 6 weeks.

0007: Are you sure that's a good thing? (takes another look at the box) Ewww!

6666: Well hey, maybe they're toxic or something. That would solve all our customer relations problems.

0007: Yeah right, sunshine. That means YOU get to put the display up.

END SCENE

BEFORE THE HOARDERS GET IT ALL

0007: That guy's eerie. One day he's a barrel of gab, and then another day he's all quiet like that.
Wonder what he's going to do with all those PokeyDokes? He doesn't have a kid or something?!

0007: Mas Basura Base Exchange.
No, ma'am, I'm sorry, we're out.
Yes, ma'am, a customer just came in and bought them all.
Sorry, ma'am.
(closes the connection)
She wanted me to chew out the guy that bought up all the PokeyDokes.

6666: As if.

0007: Hey! Droid! You gonna sweep a hole in the floor?? Get back there and help 6666!

OU-812: (brightly) Sir, yes sir!

OU-812: (brightly) Unit OU-812 reporting for duty, sir!!

6666: Dammit! Don't do that!! What do you want?

OU-812: (brightly) Your counterpart in the front of this establishment suggested that I might assist you here, Sir!

6666: Yeah, right. Help me put these crates on the shelves.

OU-812: (brightly) You think anyone can see us back here?

6666: Why, you wanna have sex or something?

OU-812: (oilily) Could we?

6666: (after a long pause) I got a better idea. You stack those crates there (points) over here
(points in another direction).

OU-812: (brightly) Sir, Yes Sir!

0007: Mas Basura Base Exchange, we're all out of PokeyDoke, may I help you?

VOICE ON OTHER END: Do you have any PokeyDoke?

0007: No, sir, we're out. (closes connection)

6666: Dude, there's something not right about that droid.

0007: No shit, man, this morning it kissed the cooler.

6666: Yeah, well, just now it damn near kissed me!

0007: Woo woo, you hot dog.

0007: You're right. We gotta do something about that droid.

6666: Maybe, if it tries to rape me, I can shoot it in self-defense?

0007: You can shoot it in the mess hall if you like, you just gotta have a good explanation
for the Captain.

6666: Mas Basura Base Exchange, we're all out of PokeyDoke, may I help you?

VOICE ON OTHER END: Do you have any PokeyDoke?

6666: No, sir, we're out. (closes connection) Dag! Regg must have squealed. They're coming out
of the woodwork! Oh, shit.

OU-812: (brightly) Crates all stacked and accounted for, sir!! (It snaps a surprisingly snappy salute)

0007: I've got another job for you. The water from the back sink is no good.
Our customers complain every time we make coffee with that water.
Get us some of the good water from Mess Hall 40, like about 20 gallons.

OU-812: (brightly) Sir, yes sir!

6666: Mess Hall 40? That's three-quarters of the way across the base. Good move, General 0007.

0007: That ought to keep him out of our short hairs for a while, heh heh.

6666: Ha ha funny guy.

END SCENE

SPIT AND POLISH

CUSTOMER: Do you have any PokeyDoke?

CUSTOMER: Oh.

0007: Hey, you're not looking too hurt, man.

6969: Hello, it's ARMOR, man!

6666: Good thing there's armor plate on your butt, too.

6969: Hey, at least I get out and do stuff. All you guys get to do is vedge around in here and listen to, what's this?

6666: Max Rebo Band.

6969: "Max Rebo Band"? Where's that from, (mockingly) Kar Delba??

0007: Tatooine.

6969: Ooo, Tatooine. Direct to your mudball, from another mudball.

6666: Hasn't stopped you dancing to it, you loser. Just hurry up and get your armor wax, would you?

6666: (answering holocom) Mas Basura Base Exchange, we're all out of PokeyDoke, may I help you?

VOICE ON OTHER END: Do you have any PokeyDoke?

6666: NO!!! (closes connection)

6969: (leaving) Dag, turn that raucous shit off, man.

END SCENE

TRAINING, DRUGS, AND ROCK AND ROLL

6666: I heard a couple of officers talking about stormtroopers in the mess today.
One of them said he thought the indoctrination on some of the stormtroopers on this base was starting to wear off.

0007: Indoctrination? What indoctrination?

6666: You know. All those dopey holos they had us watch at the Academy.

0007: Ooooohhh.
Was that supposed to be indoctrination?
I hardly remember those holos. I was too busy being high on all the drugs they gave us.
...That was some good shit, man.

6666: Well, hey, shit sticks to some walls and not to others, you know?

0007: I wonder, if we slack off just enough, do you think they'll indoctrinate us again?

6666: You are one sick pittin, man.

END SCENE

LOVE BOMB #22

DOPEY OFFICER: Do you have any PokeyDoke?

0007: No, sir, I'm sorry, we're all out.

DOPEY OFFICER: How can you be out? The new shipment was supposed to be this morning!

0007: Well, sir, the new shipment did come in this morning. And Admiralty included exactly 3 cases of PokeyDoke.
And, thanks to the demand for PokeyDoke around here, those 3 cases were sold out by 10-hundred hours.

DOPEY OFFICER: But I've got to get some! My little one adores Peek-A-Boo!

0007: Sorry, sir.

RODIAN #2: (In a thick Rodian accent) You Bantha droppings! You vrelt pellets!
You killed Squorlsh! Now you pay the price!!

0007: Hey, take it easy. It was all a big misunderstanding.

RODIAN #2: No, I understand perfectly. You think us Rodians like toilet paper, huh? Disposable, huh?

OU-812: Please sir! No blasters! Oh, dear, this is most irregular!

RODIAN #2: (to YSANNE) What you looking at?!

YSANNE: Why, I'm looking at you, big fellow.

RODIAN #2: What you put in my pants???

YSANNE: (sweetly) A thermal detonator.

0007 and 6666: DUCK!!

END SCENE

WHITE TORNADOES

0007: You know, your girlfriend really sucks.

6666: (corrects him) EX- girlfriend. Pass me that spoodge sponge.

END SCENE

UPON CLOSER INSPECTION

6666: (whispered) Shit! An Imperial Inspector!

0007: (also whispered) Just stay cool, boy.

IMPERIAL INSPECTOR: Your captain requested an inspection of this Base Exchange. Evidently he feels all
is not right here. You--

IMPERIAL INSPECTOR: You will accompany me on my inspection, to answer questions.

6666: Yes, ma'am.

IMPERIAL INSPECTOR: What is that sticking to the power conduit of the emergency light?

6666: Rodian spoodge, ma'am.

IMPERIAL INSPECTOR: Rodian "spoodge."
Please explain.

6666: From the exploding Rodian, ma'am.

IMPERIAL INSPECTOR: Exploding Rodian.
(Long pause)
What kind of a convenience store do you run here?

0007: Ma'am, we run a tight and shipshape convenience store. We simply had an unusual occurrence
earlier today, in which the Director of Base Intelligence had to deal with a Rodian terrorist.

IMPERIAL INSPECTOR: Ohhh, I seee. And how did the Director of Base Intelligence know that this Rodian
was a terrorist?

6666: Maybe because he was pointing a blaster at #0007 here.

IMPERIAL INSPECTOR: Hmmm. I'll have to see your security recording. Do you have it?

6666: Yes, ma'am. This way.

6666: Ohh, man!! They're going to vape us for sure!!

0007: Just sit tight, man. We have extenuating circumstances.

6666: What's going to extenuate Rodian guts hanging from the light fixtures??
Man, I thought we got it all!!

0007: Well, it was everywhere, it stands to reason...

6666: Face it. We're doomed.

0007: Duh duh. Duh duh. Salsa shark. We're gonna need a bigger boat.

6666: We're gonna need bigger caskets. And you're gonna need a bigger aspirin in a minute if you don't quit that.

IMPERIAL INSPECTOR: Well, that verifies your story, all right. However, with "Rodian spoodge" involved, I'm afraid
I'm going to have to make a complete sanitation inspection of this facility. You two carry on with your duties.

IMPERIAL INSPECTOR: *What's that smell?

0007 and 6666: "Air freshener," ma'am.

IMPERIAL INSPECTOR: Odd. I could swear it smells just like cat repellent.
...probably left over from your friend the Rodian.

IMPERIAL INSPECTOR: You poor things. I have a MaxiTech datapad back in my quarters. It makes a marvelous
paperweight.

6666: We appreciate your understanding, ma'am.

END SCENE

DISGUST

YSANNE: *What is that smell??

YSANNE: That's it, it smells like cat repellent. I hate cats. (under her breath) ...except for target practice.
You know, that thermite grenade was intended for you (points at 6666). But I suppose it wasn't wasted.
That vermin made a rather satisfying splat, actually...

YSANNE: I've decided to let you live. For now.
But don't expect any special favors from me. Galaxy knows I'd arrange to have you sent to the butthole of the universe for what you've done to me... except that you're already there.

YSANNE: Well, at least you're good for cleaning things... ugh, what a stench. That ought to keep the vermin out,
and the customers, too.

0007: Looks like you lucked out, boy. Spraying the place with perfume, that was a good move. Women like that stuff.

END SCENE

SAVED BY THE BELL

0007: %^#$@@#% sanitation inspection.

6666: I told you we were doomed.

0007: Go fuck a Rodian.

6666: That's not fucking funny, man.

FACILITIES TECH: Move aside.

0007 and 6666: All right!!!!

END SCENE

BIGGER AND BETTER PASTURES

6666: Hey, man, what's up with you? Boss give you extra time on the live target range or something?

6969: I got transferred, man.

0007: What!! You're getting off this hellpit?? Oh, man, I'm so jealous! Way to go, man, where they sending you?

6969: Something called the 'Death Star.' My orders say it's top secret, but rumor has it it's even bigger than
an Imperial Star Destroyer.

6666: Boy! Transferred to a monster ship! What I wouldn't give for...

6969: Chance of a lifetime, bud. This is the big break I've been dying for.

0007: (Cuffs him on the helmet) I'm gonna miss your sorry ass, man. You do good on this 'Death Star' thing of yours.

6969: Keep on sweepin'. Maybe someday they'll transfer you too.
Well, my shuttle leaves in 20. See ya on the battlefield! /* trooper equivalent of "see you in the funny papers!" */

6666: We're never gonna get off this hellball.

END SCENE

BEST USAGE

END SCENE

END MOVIE

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"Clerks" and portions from the original "Clerks" are © Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier. The smell running gag (*) also comes from the original "Clerks", although there it was from shoe polish.

"Star Wars" and all people, places and things pertaining to it are © LucasFilm Limited, except for the name "Mas Basura", which is original.

Items in red came from the "Trooper Clerks" trailer, as did the items in blue also. Thanks to Jeff Allen and the wild bunch at Maxamir Studios for all their hard work to bring us this spoof of a spoof of a spoof. Pay them a visit.

"Mr. Kratospylae" is a spoof of a well-known entrepeneur, whose name has been translated for the purposes of this script. You can run, Moneybags, but you can't hide.

Thanks to my work-buddy Mike King for the part about "people who feed mice to snakes."

Thanks to my Dad, Alan, for the phrase, "stock up before the hoarders get it all."

Thanks to my long-suffering friend, the comic shop manager/clerk, Sara Gray for "PokeyDoke/Pokemon". She didn't have to tell me anything-- I saw it all. Pikachu!

Thanks to my friend(?) the GM, Eric Jackson, for introducing me to the term "spoodge".
Although I'm not using it >quite< the way it actually means =)

All other material (in black text) is copyright 1999 B.A. Parcells. You have my express written permission to publish or copy this derivative work in its entirety, put up on your web site, etc, AS LONG AS you retain this credits section (so they know who-all contributed to it). However, you do NOT have permission to sell it or make money off it!!! If you want to make money off it you will have to contact and get permission from me and all of the above. My law firm is Tuthe, Gnale, and Klaw, and they are mean. You have been warned.

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